Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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