it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
