filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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