I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
