Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
