I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
