that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
