I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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