He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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