is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
