FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
