I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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