im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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