There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize