My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
