I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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