Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
