dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
