did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
