If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
