WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize