my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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