My entire life is one complicated drinking game
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
