then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
