Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
