I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
