you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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