Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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