You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
