two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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