I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
