The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
