I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
