I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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