I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
