Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
