So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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