He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize