Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
