seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
