my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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