My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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