I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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