forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
