people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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