I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize