Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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