she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
