Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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