Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize