I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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