I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
