I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think my moral compass just broke
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
