The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Found the puke drawer
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
