it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
