Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
