so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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