i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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