I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
