She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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